Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
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PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute