As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
You Might Also Like
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.