thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
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Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Are we there yet?…
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?