The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
You Might Also Like
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.