Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
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In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Sunday
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.