Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
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{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
we all know this pain all too well
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Damn what did I do next