“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
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House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
dogs can find happiness so easily
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
what kind of cook setting is this??
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Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!