HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
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I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason