Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
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A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.