Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
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I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .