Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
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Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
True freaking story!
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.