surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
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There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.