Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
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It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Happy Star Wars day!
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Breaking news:
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.