*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
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i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
That’s incredible! 👌
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
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Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis