ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
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On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
scares
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.