One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
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Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
So sick of all these stupid rules
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.