I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
You Might Also Like
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
A new level of troll.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.