My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
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This week’s mood.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.