Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
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My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
*pronounces woah like Noah*
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Alexa, make me look good naked.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL