Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
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I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Mornin
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful