Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
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me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
what could possibly go wrong?
Omg 🤣
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.