“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
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How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
This kid will have a bright future.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.