Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
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Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
philosophical skeletons be like
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?