I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
You Might Also Like
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.