Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
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My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom