As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
You Might Also Like
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.