As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
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So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
relationship goals
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…