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*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
God has left this place
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Sunday
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide