ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
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Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Current mood: Potato
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.