My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
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Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Yep.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
this chia pet tastes awful
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble