Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
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Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”