Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
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“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
what the
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”