Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
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Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run