[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
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“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
My wife gives the best headache.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats: