#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
You Might Also Like
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Gemma Correll
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE