[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
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They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.