I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
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They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.