ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
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Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?