I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
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I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.