Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
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Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
*sewing*
A thread
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Body by cheese-puffs.