*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
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White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.