Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
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There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.