Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
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My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.