My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
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Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
The happy life.. 😊
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it