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I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
so i’m at the stock market right
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Wednesday
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Here’s a meme
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.