Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
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There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing