Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
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In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.