so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
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[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”