*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
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Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Don’t make me out nice you.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*