Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
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Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
#NoRestForTheWicked
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel